The Un-Social Network

Recently another social networking website has popped up and it bothers me. Scratch that, it’s fucking stupid. Basically it’s a website where people share/update what book their reading; if they’ve started it, what page their currently on, and of course when they’ve finished it. I have to leave this site unnamed; again, I think it’s fucking stupid.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m on Facebook and Twitter constantly, in fact I’m even on my iPhone more than my computer going to those sites (In fact the last twenty minutes were spent playing Angry Birds). Fuck the term smartphone, because it’s really a social networking device. Don’t believe me, try not sending a text message for one whole day, I guarantee your head will fucking explode.

I also don’t participate in any of the “here’s my location” apps or websites, like FourSquare, which is basically Where’s Waldo for Sociopaths. For one I don’t want you or anyone else to know where I’m at, secondly who gives a shit where I’m eating, spending money, or what goddamn movie I’m seeing? I’ve seen a friend check-in to their shrink’s office three times in one week for six consecutive weeks. Chances are they’re not getting any better.

I do enjoy (most of) these sites, but come on, one for what book you’re reading? Really? That is some pretentious bullshit, comrade. If you happen to notice a friend posting this information, usually via one of the two aforementioned sites, it’s probably by that chum of yours that’s a little snooty, maybe a bit condescending, and sometimes an asshole. Either way, they carry themselves as though you were just a piece of dust they can easily brush away at any time. Chances are you don’t give a shit either way.

If tomorrow a site was created where you could tweet which jock itch medicine or tampon you used, no one would want to know and possibly that long lost high school buddy would no longer be a follower or on your friend list. They’d drop you like the itch on their cock they’re trying to get rid of.

Personally I’d love to start a Twitter-like site called Shitter. Basically you’d post (let’s call it Shat) about your current bowel movement: color, consistency, scent, noise, frequency, what you were reading (I know, somewhat contradictory, fuck yourself), comfort of the seat, etc. There would also be a geo-tagging feature, so all your friends and followers can know you’re dropping a deuce at the Chevron in Blyth, California on your way to Arizona. Lastly, who doesn’t want the ability to add some nice color hi-resolution pictures or HD video? No one will want to shit without their smartphone. I don’t.

Maybe I would end up on CNN one night, hopefully on Anderson Cooper’s show. Can’t say why, but it seems like he would love the topic. I’d like to be asked to explain why Shitter was socially relevant in this age of online social networking. My explanation: if someone can post, update, or tweet something as uninteresting as what page of a book they last read, then I can go online and say I do give a shit, and now everyone can know about it.

- Snake

Of course you can always follow on Twitter @SnakebiteReport