Vote Atheist 2008

"Historically, as a class, atheists cannot claim that the public's prejudice against them is as widespread, harsh or blatant as that experienced by racial minorities and women, but the distorted and irrational prejudice against atheists nonetheless runs deep and has a price. By exalting religiosity and scorning non-belief, the public and the media help to validate the religious right and its agenda."

-David A. Niose

Thanks to previous drug use, criminal records in two states, and the number or women I have slept with, I have no doubt in my mind of ever holding the office of President of the United States of America… oh one more I’m an atheist.

Sometime before Easter weekend 2008, I was walking into some retail establishment or other. A kid about 10 or 11 years old walked up to me and asked for some money for a charity with the promise of a box of candy in return for my support. He was holding a clipboard with a piece of blue paper describing what I could only guess was a description of the group who was asking us strangers for money.

I took a quick glance at it and noticed the top of the sheet was adorned with crucifixes. Not one, but three. I wasn’t rude to the kid when I declined, I simply said, “no thank you, atheist.” He only needed to hear no thank you, and he was on his way to hit up someone else who might give a shit. No harm done.

It was his mother chaperoning him who took issue with me.

“What did you just say to him?” she growled to me.

“I told him I was an atheist when he asked me for money.”

“Well what the hell does that have to do with giving money to charity? You tell me!”

“Well madam,” [always throw in a madam when you want to piss off a woman] “I simply don’t believe in giving money to the cross when I don’t believe in it.”

Her tone was now harsher, though lowered, “You! It’s assholes like you who are ruining this country!”

Like me?

“Well itis assholes like you who re-elected Bush and are fucking up this country.”

At that point she was as red as a human being could get and I could sense violence (like most people of faith, in the name of Christianity) towards me was a very real thing. I hurried into the store. A man in his 50’s came up to and asked what that was all about? I assumed he was going to add to the harping, however I learned he was shocked not by my response to the kid, but to the attack from the mother. “Some sense of Christian values,” he told me. You got that right pal.

I seldom catch any shit from Jews or even friends who are Jewish when they learn I’m an atheist. A Jewish friend told me once, “After the shit we’re been through over the last two-thousand years…and especially in the last sixty years. We don’t have the time to judge atheists for free thinking.” Not bad my friend, not bad.

Even recently I was shocked when Time magazine ran an article discussing who the American public would/would not vote for based on the candidate’s religious faith and race. The highest percentage said no fucking way to an atheist running for president with about 87% feeling that way.

Pew Research Center did their poll “Clinton and Giuliani Seen as Not Highly Religious; Romney’s Religion Raises Concern,” (based on answers from 3,002 adults conducted over the telephone between August 1 to 18, 2007) to determine who Americans would be less likely to vote for in November 2008 if he/she were:

Atheist: 61%, Muslim: 45%, Mormon: 25%, Evangelical Christian: 16%, Hispanic: 15%, A woman: 12%, Jewish: 11%, Catholic: 7%, Black: 6%

In a similar poll taken by Zogby, parents were asked if their child began dating some outside their own faith, which religious group would cause the most alarm:

Muslim: 42%, Atheist/Realist/Humanist: 17%, Mormon: 14%, Protestant/other Christian group: 3%, Roman Catholic: 2%, Jewish: 1%

My ex-girlfriend’s mother in a similar regard was no help either. She was a religious person and undoubtedly knowing I was an atheist was just more icing on the cake of dislike. The very first time I met her and her husband, he was quick to point out my atheism as dinner was being prepared by the ex and mom. I could tell mom was listening to my answer in that I’m not really paying attention to this conversation but I am sort of way.

Unfortunately at the time I felt guilty. Now thinking back to it I should not have felt that way. Especially when you put into thought one of the teachings of Jesus Christ called love and this woman was pretty much ashamed of the fact her son was gay, so I was to be punished for my “sins” as it seemed.

And there I was feeling guilty because I was in love with her daughter and wanted to impress her as much as I could. No breaks were to be caught that evening, and neither was for the teachings of Christ.

My father was a college professor and atheist. I was lucky on several occasions to attend one of his many lectures on religion. One such time the topic of prayer in schools came up. Though many were thought provoked in his classes, others got quite angry.

A young woman said to him, “as long as there are tests in schools, there will be prayer in schools.” No bullshit. I picked the right day to attend.

My dad was fast with his words, “Oh yes, I’ve seen the bumper sticker too.” Oh shit, I thought, he was going to get really tuned up here in a second. My friend from high school, Leather Balls, was a student in that class and with me being there as well I knew a good time was coming.

“Okay,” he began. “I’ll throw a hand grenade into the classroom and you pray it doesn’t go off.”

The young woman was appalled by this idea. “Well I was referring to actual exams and prayer.”

Another student quickly interjected, “what if it’s a dud?”

“Fine,” my dad continued, “I’ll throw in two hand grenades and yell pop quiz!”

Some of his students were offended, others shell shocked by the comment, I was laughing with the rest. I learned a lot about free thinking, searching for fact as opposed to truth, religion, and what to expect from people as an atheist from my dad, but that’s a whole other story altogether.

When my father died I was told by several people they were praying for him. I heard that quite a bit but I was never angered or put off by it, we all mourn in our own ways, if that was your way then thank you for the gesture. Nevertheless one person told me she was praying for him so he wouldn’t do to hell because he was an atheist. Alright dad, I get it now.

So what really can an atheist aspire to? Not the President of the United States, and probably most political offices. Relationships are a tricky one; I’ve had a few where her parents didn’t approve of me for that reason alone. Generally they were more concerned for their possible grandchildren going to hell. If only they knew what their daughters and I were up to.

Since aspirations of holding a political office are in the shit house (by the way ask Sen. Obama what religion did to his campaign), than what about meeting new people? Most people of faith are very put off, not so much by that you don’t believe what they do, but that you don’t believe at all. Looks of disgust are usually followed by a tightening of the shoulders, like we’re going to steal a handbag off them.

Most will default with the hell thing. You’re gonna burn in hell, you’re going to hell, blah, blah. I actually kind of like it when that happens because there is nothing better than an atheist reminding a religious person it’s time for a refresher course in their own faith because they obviously do not know the set values of their specific sect. That probably burns more than anything.

I tried the online dating thing as well, and was contacted by more women who wanted to tell me I was going to hell, than women who wanted a relationship or at the very least get a quick lay. However I did meet an atheist and fell head over heels for her and not because she was like me, but that’s a whole different story altogether.

I basically see it one way, if a supposed god created man in his own image; He has to be an atheist. After all who would god pray to? He’s fucking god, the chairman of the board who reports to no one – ever.

If god and heaven does exist, then atheists are going to get the royal treatment, my friend. I’m talking about the best jobs, best food, blow jobs, whiskey, places to shop, places to live, etc. Just for being a freethinker who is without a doubt what god is. And what a pat on the back it would be for staying home on Sunday’s doing fuck all.

“Atheism is a conclusion, not a decision.”

-FMB, my father.