Prêt-à-Porter Douche

I fucking hate douche bags.

Military captains are identified by two metal parallel bars, fire trucks are usually red, and police typically drive black and white cars. The douche bag’s representation changes every fashion season.

Fuck I hate the mall. If it wasn’t for losing a ton of weight and needing to try on clothes before I buy them I’d never go to the mall. I’d buy everything on the internet just to avoid the mall. I actually already buy all my athletic shoes online because I always buy the same brand and the length of my foot will not change with weight loss. At least I hope not, I just got a pretty sweet pair of trail running shoes.

For those of you know me personally, you for sure know I wear and own a lot of polo shirts. For the most part they are black or dark blue. I’m very comfortable in them; they look good with jeans, make my arms look more muscular than they already are and of course make me a more modest person.

However lately it seems the prêt-à-porter douche bags who continually monopolize the polo shirt have taken to perverting their polo’s by wearing two at the same time, both different colors, one over the other so the collar of the inner shirt is overlaid the top shirt’s collar.

Go to any Banana Republic or American Eagle Outfitters and you’ll see what I mean. Mannequins, store adverts, company website, or the douche bag kid working one of those places are all good examples if you want to see this ridiculous trend in play. Or just live in southern California or walk the campus of any NCAA school. Frat houses too.

You know the Douche Bag, you’ve seen him: Pink polo shirt with a flipped up collar with a logo of a little animal on the breast accompanied by plaid shorts and some flip-flops. The kind of guy you can tell just by looking at him that he has to put drugs in a woman’s drink just to have borderline corpse sex with her (On a side note, I don’t care if it’s your brother or your best friend, if they wear flip-flops with jeans at any time they are automatically a douche bag. If they go back inside and put on normal shoes then they’re ok. Living near the beach is not an exception or excuse.).

Last year it seems we were all treated to the a revisit of the 1980s, where the Douche Bag once again took the collar of his polo shirt and flipped it up like he was auditioning for a remake of Silver Spoons along with his douche bag friends. Flipped up collars on polo shirts, Reaganomics, and bands like Winger and Poison need to be left in the fucking 80s where they died not so long ago.

Even fat guys are becoming douche bags. Yes I said it, fat guys.

Long gone are the days of fat kids dressing up as their favorite Star Wars character ruining my memory of what Jedi Knights are supposed to look like on film.

The other night some portly 19 year old college student was interviewed on the local news about his involvement with a new non-surgical medical procedure to lose weight. I can’t remember what the procedure was exactly, probably because I eat healthy and go to the gym; you know, the correct way to lose weight.

At any rate as he’s slamming three chili dogs down his throat I noticed he too was wearing the double polo shirt. And you could see this kid was sweating. It was over 100 degrees most of that week and wearing an additional shirt wasn’t helping this kid. He’s gushing sweat, and crying to the news why he just doesn’t understand why he can’t lose weight. How about lose the chili dogs and run somewhere? Anywhere.

Where had this guy’s Star Wars shirt gone? His jean shorts? I’ll tell you, it was the douche bag new friends he made when he got to college. Or he was rejected from every fraternity and now thinks dressing himself this way will impress the ladies, much like the frat douche bags who must have impressed him or made him think people dress that way. Just go back to the Star Wars convention kid; at least there your people skills never fail you and you know you’re among friends.

It has to be the worst fashion trend since pegging your jeans. Shit, I did that but was sure to leave it in the 90s, and honestly it had no business in that era either.

Douche bags come in all shapes, colors, and behaviors. Be wary or you local douche bag and his double collar. I will however continue to wear my single layer, single collar polo shirts. It’s almost a trademark of mine. However if you see me on the street, or maybe even at a party, and I’m wearing the double collar, go to your car* and shoot me in the fucking head. Make sure I’m dead and shoot me in the chest for a second time.

But if you go to a party and your local douche bag is wearing the double collar, his jeans are pegged and he’s got on flip-flops, then make sure you not only kill him but make sure to go after his family. It’s the only way to end the douche bag bloodline.

*If you’re in Arizona this is a very real possibility as you most likely have a gun in your car. Anywhere else you borrow one from your dad.